The past week has been…unkind…to me to say the least. It all started last Friday when I went to see my counselor. Which I feel like I need to clarify. My counselor is amazing. And before I met her about a year ago, I was kind of anti-therapy. I honestly thought that it was a sign of weakness. But she’s amazing. And I do think she’s been really good for me.
So back to Friday. My counselor made me confront some things I didn’t want to talk about. Chiefly, that I have too much on my plate. She told me that grad school, teaching, and motherhood are three time very time consuming and challenging things on their own and I took on all three at once. She recommended maybe pausing in grad school until G is older. And I told her that everything is slowing down so I should be okay.
Enter Monday. I went home from school to try and get some homework accomplished and I just fell apart. I felt so stressed and exhausted. I went to write down some homework stuff and ended up making a list of my thoughts. A whole notebook page; column and a half. And they were all negative. Additionally, I felt like the whole world was moving in slow motion. It was literally scary. Like I was terrified.
My husband was worried and suggested that I call my grad school to talk to them about my options. So Tuesday, with the hangover of a mental breakdown in full force, I did call my grad school. I’m currently on pause, because I need a break. In March I’ll have to decide what happens next in terms of my grad school career.
And I don’t know.
I have no fucking clue what comes next. I just know that right now, I have to focus on my mental health. Which means meditation, journaling, napping, and listening to my body. It means being honest with myself and my support system about what I’m struggling with. It means spending quality time with my boys, and my books.
I’m terrified that I’ve come to this point, and terrified of what comes next. And I wish I could end on a good note, but I don’t have one today.