Realizations.

I met with my therapist/counselor last week and she suggested I change my meds. She thinks I should try a mood stabilizer vs the low-dose anti-depressant I’ve been on for nearly two years.

Our conversation about that and some other things made me realize something: I 100% didn’t think I’d still be struggling, taking meds, and seeing a counselor a year and a half after my initial diagnosis.

I thought I could take some meds, talk to someone (Actually, I wanted to avoid this part of it. I hate being vulnerable.) a couple times and be fixed.

Turns out. Life has other plans. I’ve been one the original med, plus a different one, plus a third at times for nearly two years. I’ve been seeing my counselor for almost two years. And, to be honest, I’m nowhere near fixed.

But. The word fixed has a positive connotation, right? Except, it also implies that I’m broken. And there are days where I feel pretty fucking broken. But there are also days where I feel good. And more importantly, there aren’t days where I can’t do the things I have to do to get through my day. (Also, if you do have those days, it’s okay! Get the help you need, but don’t beat yourself up over the bad days: a lesson I’ve been having to learn the hard way.)

I still struggle with the diagnosis, because it makes me feel weak and less than. But I’m working on acceptance. Accepting the fact that this is my life, and it isn’t going away. Accepting that I may be on pills for the rest of my life. Accepting that counseling is undoubtedly for the long run. Accepting that there will be bad days. Accepting that there are bad spells.

And let me tell you, acceptance? Not my strong suit. I’m a fighter from way back. But the more I fight all of these things the worse I feel. I feel more weak. More like a failure. And if I don’t accept these things? I think I will break, and be broken in a more literal way than I ever want to be.

So here’s to acceptance. To figuring out what works. To trial and error. To forgiveness. To loving my crazy, chaotic mess of a life. To loving myself even when I struggle to believe I deserve it.

Here’s to me.

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