Ups and Downs. Downs and Downs…?

I know I briefly mentioned a couple of posts ago that my hubby and I were thinking about baby number two. I’ve been off birth control since August…and decreasing my med doses so that when/if I get pregnant I can go off my meds without a major side effect.

But…lately…I feel like my life is a major side effect. One, I had a yeast infection from hell that I’m still recovering from. Two. My depression is at an all time high. Like yesterday, I went home and was laid down on my couch by six (I got home at five-thirty) and was in bed by 7:30. I have no energy, no ambition. I think about cutting and dying on a far-too-often lately.

Part of me thinks I need to adjust my meds, part of me thinks I need to go to counseling more often. And part of me is terrified that G is it. That having another baby is too much, that going off meds, or lowering meds, to get pregnant is too much and my doctor and therapist are going to tell me to go back on, up my dose, change my meds.

I don’t want to be done having kids. I also don’t want to be miserable in the process of getting pregnant. I don’t know.

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore.

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