I’m exhausted today.
That’s probably an understatement.
I’m drained. Physically and emotionally worn out.
I wish I knew how to explain it a little more definitely, but all I have is exhaustion.
The last few weeks have been emotionally tolling: I found out I was pregnant almost five weeks ago, and with that comes the normal run of emotions. We told my parents and my mom, who I love deeply and consider one of my closest confidants, was…less than thrilled. Actually she wasn’t even remotely thrilled. In her defense, she’s worried about me, my anxiety and depression, and a pregnancy. Additionally, when I was pregnant with my monster, the end was…tumultuous to say the least: I went into labor at 34 1/2 weeks, developed “the worst case of Pupps” my doctor had ever seen, and was finally induced at 39 weeks, soo, ya know.
Plus, I’m still a grad school student. So, add that stress to my family struggles and stress–which are complicated because of the emotions on both sides and because I do understand where my mom is coming from–and you get emotionally closed off, actually.
And now, my husband is putting in a shitton of hours at work, more than his normal manager hours usually entail: weekends, always taking work calls at home. And I feel lonely, and like I’m doing this alone, which isn’t fair to him, but is also honest.
So. Emotionally, it’s all exhausting as fuck. But, physically, to quote Ali Wong, I’m growing an eyeball here!
And my kids. And school. And everything needs my attention and I don’t want to give anything my attention. I just want to curl into a ball in my bed for the next month and a half and watch Queer Eye.
And it’s not an option, I have to persevere. I have to be strong for my students. For my husband and son. For my parents, especially because I don’t want to hear the “I told you you should have waited…” from my mom. For my coworkers, because they don’t need to pick up my slack.
But. I don’t want to be strong for anyone. And all I feel like I’m doing is closing off to everyone.