What If…

What if I just…ran away?

Ran away from the responsibilities that come from being a mom, teacher, and wife.

Ran away from people demanding my attention, time, and energy.

Ran away from small-town expectations. From unfair–and unrealistic–guidelines in who I’m supposed to be because of my chosen profession.

Ran away from all the bullshit that plagues my thoughts every waking moment. And sometimes even my dreams.

Ran away from all of this. All of the supposed to’s, the should’s, the can you’s.

Oh god, those can you’s kill me.

I guess you could say I’m overwhelmed at the start of this year. I’m overwhelmed by my husband and children and kids. I’m overwhelmed by my coworkers and administration.

I’m overwhelmed by my own expectations and frustrations and thought patterns.

I started working out–at 5 AM–to get some time for me. As a mental health medicine, it’s fairly effective. But my life is…overwhelming, and exhausting. And maybe that’s me.

We’re three weeks in, and I’ve threatened to resign already. Maybe joking, maybe serious. I’m already angry about some changes and expectations this year. And that’s not really where I want to be. So I’m left wondering if this is where I want to be.

My therapist said that postpartum hormones don’t really level off until at least seven months. R just turned three months old…so I’m not making any decisions, because I know that in four months everything might feel better.

But that doesn’t mean I won’t think longingly about moving away in the mean time…

One thought on “What If…

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