Fully Fucking Functional.

Hi, I think I’ve introduced myself before but…I’m Caylee. Twenty-nine, married mother of two. High school English teacher. Functionally depressed and anxious.

What does it mean to be functionally depressed and anxious you may ask? Well, in large part, it means that on days where I text my husband before noon telling him I just want to sleep and never wake up,  you’d never look at me and think that I was depressed.

Yesterday was a beautiful Tuesday in South Dakota. The sun was shining, fall is clearly on it’s way. And I woke up in a deep, dark hole.

I hit snooze for over an hour, skipped my morning workout for the second week in a row, chose to messy bun my hair because the idea of washing it was too much for me.
Like, literally, it exhausted me to think about it.

But…I also put on makeup, got dressed, and showed up at school at 7:35, plastered a fake smile on my face and worried about seventy teenagers’ problems rather than my own dark, spiraling thoughts.

I went through the motions, pretended nothing was wrong.

Got home, went shopping, started supper, then sat down. Cried. Went to bed at 7:30, because I just can’t keep going through these motions.

I’m functionally depressed. I’m functionally anxious. I wear a  (figurative) mask 95% of the time, and it’s fucking exhausting. I feel like I can’t keep going.

The hardest part of functional mental illness, is that you second guess yourself. Am I really depressed? Or am I being dramatic? Is this really a panic attack, or am I just overreacting.

It’s made worse by the fact that for society to take mental illness seriously it has to outwardly manifest as well.

I try not to compare my struggles to others. I try not to tell myself I’m a drama queen: because, it actually just makes it worse. But…I can’t pretend that I don’t wonder myself. No wonder people in my life don’t seem to take me seriously when I tell them I’m struggling.

Today, things feel just as dark and hopeless as they did yesterday. But, I managed to shower and wash my hair this morning, so I think that means that I’m on my way out again…I hope…

 

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