Better?

It’s discouraging, and frustrating, and exhausting. I wish I had the answers, I wish there was a quick fix. I wish I knew how to feel better. But. Life isn’t that simple, is it?

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Nostalgia

I don’t know if this happens to everyone else, but sometimes something sparks something that takes me down memory lane. Lately, I feel like I’ve picked up and moved there.

In part, I’ve had the weirdest dreams lately, one of which was about a guy I was on and off with in high school. It made me think about how things were, and maybe more so, what I thought things would be like at this point in my life.

I absolutely, positively, 100% thought this guy I was on and off with-for six years!-was the guy I was going to marry. I thought we would settle in near home, have babies and live happily ever after. Never mind that we were dysfunctional at best, and disastrous most of the time. But, often in reminiscing we sugar coat things.

But, it hasn’t been just the big things I’ve been nostalgic about. It hit me the other day that Hubby and I have been to two movies in the theater since the Monster was born. We used to go one every couple months.

I think, if I’m honest with myself, that I miss the simplicity of high school relationships–which seem less than simple at the time–but the lack of bills or serious jobs. And I miss the simplicity of dating, engagement, and early married life.

We had the Monster 10 days before our first anniversary. Our early married life was a lot of pregnancy. Which is okay, because as Hubby reminded me yesterday, we’ve been living together for the past six years now.

Sometimes I miss the idea of kissing someone for the first time. The butterflies. The sweetness of a new beginning.

But, God, if there isn’t something beautiful about morning breath kisses, cuddling with someone who knows that after 10 minutes you’ll feel trapped. Someone who knows and respects your rhythm. Someone who you feel safe with, you trust, who holds you when you come apart. And, maybe most importantly, that you share a beautiful little monster with, that you’ve made a home and life with.

Nostalgia is great, but I really wouldn’t trade a minute of my real world for what was.

Let the Chaos Commence

My life is almost always in a constant state of chaos, and some days I tell myself I wouldn’t have it any other way. But let’s be real, today, this week, I would gladly trade it in for one of those lives where you marry rich and sunbathe on a yacht. 

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