Masks

I don’t know who I’m trying to impress or live my life for, but I do know, that this fear is a huge factor in the masks that I cover myself in.

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Definitions

I don’t think we’re so easily defined. I think life is so much more complicated, and we’re an ever-evolving sum of a variety of things. There’s beauty in that chaos.

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Whoop, There It Is

It’s…isolating. Exhaustion. Frustration and frustrating. I just want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep until this feeling goes away. 

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Better?

It’s discouraging, and frustrating, and exhausting. I wish I had the answers, I wish there was a quick fix. I wish I knew how to feel better. But. Life isn’t that simple, is it?

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Anger as Anxiety

When anxiety and depression manifest as anger it’s scary. It’s scary for your partner and family, it’s scary for you. It’s hard to explain what you’re feeling and why, and then the anger intensifies.

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Thanksgiving Break Blues

No patience. No empathy. No time. No kind words. 

I’m snapping at my boys. I’m zoned out. We spent all day watching Paw Patrol while I beat myself up for not getting more accomplished. 

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Drowning…

I’m exhausted today.

That’s probably an understatement.

I’m drained. Physically and emotionally worn out.

I wish I knew how to explain it a little more definitely, but all I have is exhaustion.

The last few weeks have been emotionally tolling: I found out I was pregnant almost five weeks ago, and with that comes the normal run of emotions. We told my parents and my mom, who I love deeply and consider one of my closest confidants, was…less than thrilled. Actually she wasn’t even remotely thrilled. In her defense, she’s worried about me, my anxiety and depression, and a pregnancy. Additionally, when I was pregnant with my monster, the end was…tumultuous to say the least: I went into labor at 34 1/2 weeks, developed “the worst case of Pupps” my doctor had ever seen, and was finally induced at 39 weeks, soo, ya know.

Plus, I’m still a grad school student. So, add that stress to my family struggles and stress–which are complicated because of the emotions on both sides and because I do understand where my mom is coming from–and you get emotionally closed off, actually.

And now, my husband is putting in a shitton of hours at work, more than his normal manager hours usually entail: weekends, always taking work calls at home. And I feel lonely, and like I’m doing this alone, which isn’t fair to him, but is also honest.

So. Emotionally, it’s all exhausting as fuck. But, physically, to quote Ali Wong, I’m growing an eyeball here!

And my kids. And school. And everything needs my attention and I don’t want to give anything  my attention. I just want to curl into a ball in my bed for the next month and a half and watch Queer Eye.

And it’s not an option, I have to persevere. I have to be strong for my students. For my husband and son. For my parents, especially because I don’t want to hear the “I told you you should have waited…” from my mom. For my coworkers, because they don’t need to pick up my slack.

But. I don’t want to be strong for anyone. And all I feel like I’m doing is closing off to everyone.